Why do I work?

Yesterday was the first day of school. So even though I am still on leave, (I took extended time... I didn't save up all those sick days for nothing!) I went in to work. (People asked if I cried. My response was no. Not because I am heartless, but because I knew I wasn't really returning to work yet. Now come Aug 25th, I am sure my answer will be different.)Why did I go in to work on my time off?! Well a lot of reasons. This was the first (and possibly only for some of them) time to meet the parents. And the first day is chaotic... always. It doesn't matter how long you have been teaching, starting off a new year after finishing the last year is always a shock. You forget that the kids coming in are nowhere near the level of the kids you just left 2 months ago. And the supplies. Oh what a mess! (Blame my OCD- I accept it.) I have a specific place for every single supply. And I had to be there to make sure everything was put away how I wanted it. I had intentions of getting a lot done yesterday so that my sub could see exactly how I do things.... but we ran out of time. Collecting and organizing supplies took half the day. And because I won't be returning until the 25th, I was trying to go through all my important procedures so that the students would have an idea what to expect, and so my sub could hopefully reinforce them. I am already worried about what I am going to walk into when I return. As is it, I already have 3 kids without desks and kids who already got in trouble yesterday! NEVER have I had students think it was ok to talk and play on the first day!! It is very hard to undo a learned behavior, I will just leave it at that. And I am worried about where these desks are going to fit, once I get them. Without giving out too many details, I have a smaller than average classroom and it is very hard to rearrange things. There is only so much room to put desks where kids can see the board without blocking the doorway. Can we say fire hazard? And dismissal- oy! I left more stressed than I have ever felt on a first day. So stressed that I came home, spent about an hour with Payton, and passed out. I woke up about 30 minutes before her bed time and we took some pictures of her and did tummy time. I missed spending time with my daughter because I was ALREADY that stressed out. (Luckily I have an amazing husband who didn't even complain that he just spent all day with her and just let me sleep.) But, this is completely unacceptable in my eyes. I should not be sacrificing time with my own daughter because of stress that other children are causing me. And maybe I just care too much. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Maybe my expectations for my class each year are set too high. But if I set them low... well have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy? And what did I do once Payton went to bed? I looked up new careers. Careers that wouldn't drain me so much. That wouldn't require me to spend all my free time doing things for work or thinking about what I need to do for work.

And where did that lead me? Just wishing that I could be a SAHM (or even a WAHM) because in reality I can't see me doing anything other than teaching. But in the end, I realized that I will never be a SAHM. Why? Well currently because it isn't a financial option. But more because of Payton. I want to be able to buy her things and take her places. And I don't want to have to worry if she asks for a $5 toy if we can or can't afford it. By the time she is big enough to really start wanting things, our student loans will be getting a little lower. Our credit cards will be nonexistent (well the bills will be) (FTR, we only have one that we are currently paying and it is interest free for 2 years, so I don't stress about that one because it will be paid off well before that.) My car will be paid off... assuming it doesn't fall apart from underneath us, we plan on keeping it. Another reason I will not be a SAHM- we either need to move in the next 5 years (thus paying more for a house) or put Payton in a private school. I am less than thrilled with the school she will end up going to if we stay here. There is too much to explain why, and I could be wrong, because right now, today, it is a good school. But things change and with everything going on with our school districts, I worry for this particular area's schools.

I only want the best for Payton. And what parent doesn't want the best for their child? So for her, I will keep working. (Unless of course we win the lottery... but ya gotta play it to win it, and since we don't play it, I guess that's a far fetched dream!) There are other "jobs" I wish I could have, but for now, those too are just dreams. And even if I could have those "jobs" they would start out slow and probably only be able to be used as supplemental income. But who knows what will happen in the future?

And if you read far enough to get to this point, thanks for "listening" to by babbling. And here is a cell phone picture I like to call "Social Networking for Babies"

"I want to chat with Aubs Mommy"


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11 comments:

  1. It's going to be hard for me to go back to work after having my little one but I think I would go crazy if I didn't get our of the house at least a couple days a week! Sounds like you're going to have your hands even more full soon!

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  2. Dana (Hancockheir): I don't think I could be a SAHM either - for pretty much those same reasons - I want to be able to do stuff (vacations, weekend outtings, put my kids in activities) and not have to worry about money. I know this might sound selfish - but I actaully like working - I like the adult environment and feeling like I am needed. I think in the end it makes me a better mom when I get home. Now - in a few weeks Aydan will be going to daycare rather than staying with my brother - so I reserve the right to change my mind :)
    oh - and everytime I am on my computer - aydan is trying to "attack" (beat) the keys!

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  3. Oh I would def need adult interaction if I didn't work. But at the same time, leaving her :( if I were a SAHM I would either have to volunteer ro work part time or join things with her.

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  4. I am a new follower from MBC. Follow me at Mess for Less
    http://messforless.blogspot.com

    It's a hard choice and there are no easy answers. I used to teach before kids and you are right, it's not a job you just leave at the end of the day. You are always doing things for it or thinking about it.

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  5. Every mom goes through this eternal struggle. You have to do what is right for you and your family. Just enjoy your leave-I'm sure you will find the right balance when you go back.

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  6. I am also a go back to work mamma and teacher. I had a very hard time letting go when I was not there because I agree that setting the right tone at the beginning is so important. I agree with everything you said. Us teachers are a dedicated bunch. I took the summer off and am looking forward to getting back in my grove.

    New follower! Can't wait to read more :)

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  7. So glad I am not the only mom/teacher feeling like this (with the exception of my friends that teach that is)

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  8. I LOOVVEEEE the picture and the quote!!

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  9. LOL Amy I figured you would. She is really determined to get in touch with her BFF between fb and my cell phone lol

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  10. I just saw this post for some reason. I love this post! I might have to do a post like this myself.

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  11. Thanks...sometimes I have to remind myself why I am going back there... which is why I have tons of her pics hanging by my desk

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